Toneel English Blog Over

The Incompatibles
A play by Horace Holley,
revised and illustrated by Ayal Pinkus
CHARACTERS

—MARIAN

—FRED

—GEORGE

 

 

 
An undesirable corner table in a Broadway restaurant, at evening. Between the man and woman who have just taken seats is a bouquet of wilting red roses.
 
 
 
Marian:No, I don't want any oysters or clams. I ate enough sea food in Atlantic City to last a season. I want some — Oh, what gorgeous flowers! Umm!
 
 
Marian:I love the smell of roses! Especially out of season. Why, the other tables haven't any! Fred, did you — ?
 
 
Fred:Sure I did, Marian. I knew you'd like 'em.
 
 
Marian:I do. But you mustn't be a silly boy any longer, Fred!
 
 
Fred:I will, too. It isn't silly, to give you flowers.
 
 
Marian:That's all right, Fred. God knows I like the flowers. But I'm not a young idiot who expects her honeymoon to last forever. I've had one experience, you know.
 
 
Fred:Yes, but you mustn't judge all men by him.
 
 
Marian:I don't. I knew well enough you're different, or I'd never have married you. But at the same time —
 
 
Fred:Well, I'm going to show you that a real man don't get over the fun of being married to a peach like you in just two weeks. You don't want me to, do you?
 
 
Marian:Course not, Fred! Didn't I say you were different? But I don't want you to set a pace you can't keep up. You'd hate me in no time if I did.
 
 
Fred:I couldn't hate you, girlie! Besides, isn't this our first night back in the old town? We shan't be having dinner out like this every day.
 
 
Marian:Well, only I don't want to have you flop all of a sudden, like he did. What'll you have, a cocktail?
 
 
Fred:Let's see.... What's the matter, Marian?
 
 
Marian:Sh! Don't turn round!
 
 
Fred:What's up?
 
 
Marian:Him!
 
 
Fred:Him who?
 
 
Marian:George!
 
 
Fred:Good Lord! Well, don't mind him. He hasn't got anything on you now. You're mine.
 
 
Marian:Sure I am. He isn't looking. He's with a woman. By jingo! It's that millinery kid!
 
 
Fred:What millinery kid? Besides, what difference does it make? Let him have a hundred, if he wants 'em. We're happy.
 
 
Marian:The nerve of him! I knew it was her right along. He thought he could fool me.

I bet he paid good money for those clothes!

The millinery kid

 
 
Fred:Oh, come on! What'll you have? Besides, she might have made the clothes herself.
 
 
Marian:Made 'em herself! Say, a fine lot you know about ladies' gowns! That came from the Avenue, straight.
 
 
Fred:Well, what if it did? I'll get you a better one, you just wait.
 
 
Marian:Sh! He's looking over here!
 
 
Fred:Hm! Look at me and you won't see him.
 
 
Marian:The nerve!
 
 
Fred:What's he done?
 
 
Marian:He smiled right over like nothing had ever happened. I'll bet he's going to say something mean about me. Oh!
 
 
Fred:Let's change our seats. I'm hungry!
 
 
Marian:Change nothing! Catch me giving him a laugh like that! I could tell her things, the young — There, now she's looking!
 
 
Fred:What if she is? Say, look here —
 
 
Marian:He's getting up! Well, of all the brass!
 
 
Fred:What?
 
 
Marian:He's coming over here!
 
 
Fred:He is! Don't you say a word. I'll take him on!
 
 
Marian:If he dares —
 
 
George:Hello, Marian!
 
 
Marian:Hm!
 
 
George:What, got a grouch on your honeymoon? That's a bad sign, Marian!
 
 
Marian:No, I haven't got any grouch! Don't you worry! You're the only grouch I ever had, thank the Lord!
 
 
George:Well then. It isn't every woman gets rid of an incompatible husband and gets hold of a compatible one, all in same season.
 
 
Fred:Look here!
 
 
Marian:That's just like him! Coming over here with a grin on like a kid with a new toy. Well, we don't want anything to do with you. See?
 
 
George:Sure. Excuse me for butting in. I just wanted to make a little announcement.
 
 
Marian:Oh, you did! Well, I'm surprised! I didn't think she was the kind you had to marry.
 
 
George:Huh! I knew you'd have your little knife out for her. But why you should have to be jealous now I can't see.
 
 
Marian:I'm not jealous!
 
 
George:What you worrying about, then?
 
 
Marian:I'm not worrying! I'm only sore because you butted in when we were so happy together here without you.
 
 
George:Oh, excuse me! As a matter of fact, I didn't come over to make any announcement. It's too late for that. I —
 
 
Marian:Married already! Anybody'd think you might wait a little while for common decency!
 
 
George:I waited a day longer than you did, anyhow.
 
 
Marian:That's different.
 
 
Fred:I beg your pardon! We were just ordering dinner. If you didn't come to make any announcement, why —
 
 
Marian:Yes, what did you butt in for?
 
 
George:Why, I got a letter from your friend Grace, and —
 
 
Marian:Grace? What did she have to say to you?
 
 
George:She said she was sorry I had to get a divorce, but I told her —
 
 
Marian:Sorry you had to get a divorce! Well, if I don't fix her!
 
 
George:Oh, she's getting married, too.
 
 
Marian:Who to?
 
 
George:That fellow, what's his name, that's got the garage over on Seventh Avenue.
 
 
Marian:Snider! So he's the one! Well! And I suppose she'll be all over town in a new car.
 
 
George:Sure. Saw him to-day. A big yellow one. I always told you she was out for money. And you thought she was in love with Jackson!
 
 
Marian:Hypocrite! She was. Or she told me so. Cried all over me. Have you seen Jackson?
 
 
George:Yes. He's as blue as your old kimono. He said —
 
 
Fred:Look here, Marian! I'm not going to wait all night for my dinner!
 
 
Marian:Order your old dinner!
 
 
Marian:What did Jackson say, George?
END