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When The Royals Move Into Crypto

 
KING HENRY looks around him. Astonished.

Huge racks of servers, cables going criss-cross.

 
 
 
What in heaven...
 
A young PRINCE JOHN emerges from the tangle of cables.
 
 
 
Father! To what do I owe this visit!
 
 
We... do you know your electricity bill is equivalent to that of an average size nation?

I wanted to make sure all is dandy.

 
 
That's just fiat, father.

The energy thing will be solved soon. We're moving from proof of work to proof of stake.

 
 
What?
 
 
I'm building generational wealth, father. Few understand.

We're mining crypto. They started a new blockchain, and created RoyalCoin! That's us! Royalty!

 
 
But where are all your belongings? Your heirlooms? The Elizabethan silver? The thirteenth century Chinese plates? The—
 
 
Not to worry, father! I turned them into En Ef Tees.
 
JOHN takes out his phone and shows the screen to HENRY
 
 
 
See? Here!
 
 
(puzzled)En Ef Tee?
 
 
Non-Fungible Tokens, father! It is the new internet! Web three!
 
 
Non-FUNGIBLE?
 
 
It's... um... Like a fungible token, but not fungible. Satoshi Nakamoto! Defi!
 
 
Defi?
 
 
Decentralized Finance, father! It's the future of money!
 
 
And so all your belongings—
 
 
Yes, father! Sold it all, turned the fiat into crypto!

Stablecoin father, it's all safe.

Be your own bank, father.(cheering)To the moon!

 
 
Where's the staff?
 
 
They didn't want to be paid in crypto.

Have fun staying poor!(laughs)

 
JOHN is distracted, points to screens with graphs. The lines are going up.
 
 
 
See? Number go up! Bee Tee Cee and Ee Tee Ache To the moon! Luna! Terra! Lambo! Do Kwon, Binance, I trust you!
 
The lines instantly crash to zero on the screen. JOHN and HENRY notice.
 
 
 
Hodl! Hodl! Diamond hands!
 
 
What...?
 
 
Hodl! It is getting rekt! Diamond hands!
 
 
But... is it now all gone?
 
 
This is good for RoyalCoin.

YOLO!

 
 
Yolo?
 
 
You only live once, father! Dee Why Oh Ar.
 
 
Dee Why Oh Ar?
 
 
Do your own research!
 
 
And is it all gone now?
 
 
No! Ha ha! One RoyalCoin is one RoyalCoin.

Don't worry, father, regulation is coming. Know your customer! (distracted by the screen)But I don't have time to orangepill you now.

 
 
Buy my alt coin, noobs! We're not a memecoin! The whales are buying! Buy the dip! Buy the dip! Pump is near! We're not the bag holders! Copium! This is not a rug pull! Hopium! To the moon! El Salvador!
 
KING HENRY silently summons people who are outside the room.
 
 
 
There is no kill switch! This blockchain will not be forked! Smart contracts! Code is law! Dogecoin! Lambo! Lunatics! Stonks are for losers! Elon Musk! It's not a ponzi! Buy my apes!
 
Two strong BEARDED MALE NURSES walk softly to JOHN

They carry a straightjacket.

 

THE END

Text and art Ayal Pinkus