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When The Substitute Teacher Is A Former Dog Trainer

A TEACHER in front of a rowdy class. The bell rings.
(from the top of his lungs)Silence!(the class is still stirring, but softer)Si-LENCE!(the class becomes quiet)
The TEACHER walks past the students and tosses sweets onto their schooldesks.
That's a good boy! Look at who's a good boy!
The teacher pats one surprised student on the head.
Good boy!
Your regular teacher is ill and I shall take over today.

Who knows where we ended last time!

A student raised his hand.

The teacher walks up to the student

Arm - DOWN!
The student puts down their arm, surprised.
That's a good boy! Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy!(gives a sweet)
I think... eh...
First World War, sir.
That's a good boy! Good boy!(gives a sweet)Silent! Good boy. Good boy.
The teacher gives them another sweet, this time pushing it into the student 's mouth.
Good boy.
The teacher marches back to the chalkboard.
(looking at student)HERE!(points in front of chalkboard)HERE!
The student looks around, puzzled.
The student hesitates, gets up, and walks to chalkboard.
Good, BOY!

Now stay! Stay!

That's a good boy! Good boy!

The teacher shoves a sweet into their mouth.
Now write! Write!
(whispering)What, sir?
The dates! When did World War One start! Write!
The student hesitates, picks up chalk, starts writing.

The teacher turns the bag that held the sweets upside down. Empty. He tosses it in the bin.

The students notice. Disappointment.

A student starts sniffing another student. Their nose moves toward the seat of the chair.

Both students get up and they start walking in circles, sniffing each other.

Other students start sniffing each other.

They get up, and they start chasing after each other.

Sit! Sit!
The students become loud and active, sniffing chairs, running around after each other, bumping over tables and chairs.

A pandemonium ensues.

(top of his lungs)SIT! SIT!
The students head for the door, burst through it, and leap out.

A student, with one leg up, finishes peeing against a wall and leaps out.

The class is left empty, a complete mess.



Text and art Ayal Pinkus

Written in the context of the “Blue Sketch” online comedy sketch course by Chris Head.

With feedback from Chris Head, Sarah Johnson, Antony Quinn, Paul Woof, Ramesh Patel.